An important question every person and couple faces is how long to wait before having sex when dating. Sex is a very wonderful experience, but it can also cause a lot of pain as well. Relationship expert Aline P. Z is a licensed psychologist and a certified sex therapist.
Though the media often portrays sex and dating as having no risks besides pregnancy or disease, there can be emotional dangers. It is clear that at least a quarter of men and women in the U. In my book SexSmart, I talk about being able to trust as an important ingredient in being able to have emotionally connected sex with another person. Z warns against sex with people you don't truly know. You risk getting hurt emotionally.
If you come from a background where you already have experienced others as untrustworthy and not interested at all in your feelings, experimenting with empty or disappointing sex can further your general feelings of alienation from others, vulnerability, and depression.
It's tough to be a woman nowadays.
Most of us have had periods where we feel unattractive. However, as they get older, past high school and even college, many women who previously felt unappealing finally come into their own look, but there's a danger in this newfound allure.
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Z says many women get intoxicated by their sexual power over men. It's amazing and almost addicting to access your inner Venus, Goddess of Love.
Guys are so visual, and if you look good, they can be putty in your hands. However, at the end of the night, if he 'fell into your trap,' you 'get him,' you have sex, and then, you get treated shabbily and get discarded, you didn't win, you lost. It makes you bitter toward men, and your bitterness is apparent when you talk.
It might turn off a future guy, one who actually likes you for your personality and might want an intimate and committed relationship.
Z said men get hurt all the time and "it comes as a great shock to men since they go into casual sexual escapades thinking that there is no such thing as bad sex.
But there are some stupid and shallow women out there, and they can say mean things--about your physiqueyour staying power, you name it, and you won't forget what they said. Also, men's erectile abilities are much more vulnerable to psychological attack than most men realize. So, if you meet up with a cruel, drunk, or exceedingly uneducated or demanding woman however hot she may beshe does have the capacity to say something that will give you sexual insecurity going forward. A bad sexual experience in a past relationship can affect future relationships, said Dr.
I've heard more than my share of stories of horrific sexual experiences, ones which do lasting damage. People tend to think that actions are more important than words, but cruel comments about one's sexual prowess or about body parts or shapes stick in people's minds, potentially forever, creating insecurity in future sexual relationships.
If you run into a partner who rudely criticizes, for instance, the shape of your breasts, the kind of stimulation you need, the length of your penis, etc. By the way, these kinds of negative sexual experiences can be treated and often cured.
A treatment technique called EMDR is helpful here. Z said to consider the following as a few signs of bad sexual experiences:. A consideration when deciding how long should you wait to sleep with someone is that sleeping with someone too quickly may confuse you whether you're experiencing great sex or falling in love.
Lust sure feels like love. The massive amount of oxytocin released during sex in women seems to cause women to bond more strongly and disengage with greater difficulty once a relationship has progressed to a sexual dimension.
Zoldbrod cautions against having sex too quickly since the resulting feelings can mimic love. So, try not to get sexually attached prematurely, and just wait and see.
Life's ups and downs are so reliable that you'll soon see how much your dating partner cares about you. Z has advice for those who feel pressure from their partner to have sex when they aren't ready. Talk about what it means to you. What would you need to have, in the realm of assurances, to want to have sex with them? If after that, you can't come to a meeting of the minds, you could get some outside help, particularly if you suspect that you're being unreasonably neurotic or inhibited.
But if you feel it's not a match, and you are unmoved in your point of view, then throw them back and keep fishing.
What is the best way for a couple to determine they are emotionally ready to have sex? Z says it depends. And if you're serious about the future, slow down and gather data about the person--their values, their ideas about what a future life should look like, etc.
Z says they should consider the following:. When trying to determine how long to wait before having sex when dating, Dr. Z's advice will help you figure out what is best for you and your relationship.
For more information about Dr. Z, to learn more about her books or to find contact information, visit SexSmart.
couple kissing wine love dating relationship Some people's religious beliefs dictate that they wait to have sex until after they get married. The average amount of dates people said they wait to have sex is This is how long you should wait to sleep with someone, study says.